Those piercing eyes

After being intibated, I had not been able to nurse or hold my baby. I wanted something from Hazel to hold on to since nothing was looking good. Her chest X-ray looked crummy. Her blood gas wasn't good either. They had her sedated on some heavy duty drugs. Max and audrey came to the ronald macdonald family room to see mom. Really was I still a mom to 2 other kids? It was so hard to divide my time. Hazel was in isolation so no kids were allowed to come in and see her. Luckily my mom was helping pick up the peices at home. Max and audrey were the reason why I had to keep it together and get out of bed in the morning though. I needed to create some routine and stability while living at the hospital. I lived on my iphone. I would update my facebook status, read the kind words of encouragement, and organize dinner drop offs and play dates/carpool for the kids. Grammy helped tramendously. My house got cleaned, including my carpets, the dog got walked, the laundry washed and the dishwasher emptied. Members of the church brought in meals and helped out with the kids when Grammy couldn't. My neighbor took care of Daisy, our dog, who was definitely being neglected. It was hard to think that the world was still moving outside the hospital. My world inside the hospital had stopped but having my kids forced me to look outside. I didn't know what day or time it was. I slept in the ronald macdonald room when the exhaustion became unbearable. Then I would wake up and immediately walk into Hazels room to ask the nurse how she was doing. The days turned into weeks and somehow all blurred together. The Bishop came to the hospital with my dad to give me and the baby a blessing. I felt a little better. I knew many people were praying for me and Hazel. I felt peace but I still needed more. Grandma and grandpa Proffit came for a visit and that's when my baby woke up and showed me those eyes! Those piercing eyes telling me that she is a fighter and will make it through this and that mommy just needs to be patient. Oh, how I love those eyes.

 

My rock and inspiration

I'm not sure how I would have been able to get through all of this emotionally without my sister in law, Elise. She was my rock. She would call, text and visit us often at the hospital. She would also bring food since eating I guess is kind of important. Her daughter, my niece, Maia had a similar hospital experience just days after being born. In fact it was in April of 2011. Maia is a healthy and happy almost 1 year old now. Maia had the same doctors and nurses as Hazel did. Many of them remembered Maia. I remember the great care Maia recieved here at CHOC and was hopeful for Hazel as I tried to establish a new hospital community. I had no idea how long we were going to stay here but I knew in my heart that these doctors and nurses would eventually make my daughter better so I could bring her home again. This was just going to be a trial of my patience. Maia was my example and shinning light that got me through those dark days of waiting and yearning to once again hold my baby.

 

 

Tests, tests, and more

That morning I called Josh and told him to come to the hospital ASAP. I wasn't sure what was going to happen to my baby but I knew it wasn't something I could handle alone. Josh sensed my stress and got the kids taken care of so he could come down. He did his best to get here but it seemed like eternity. In the meantime I decided I needed to eat if I was going to be able to handle the rest of the day. I headed down to the cafeteria in a daze, ordered the special (French toast with strawberries), and then ran into Hazels doctor. The 6 months pregnant doctor saw me too but avoided a conversation. Soon after I could tell why. I headed back up to my room and tried to force myself to eat but couldn't. The nurses came in to tell me that they needed to get an IV back in Hazel since the old one had collapsed. I told her that was fine as long as she promised to only stick her once. She agreed. In about 5 minutes she came back to tell me they found a perfect vein but I might not like the location. It was in her head. The nurse was very sweet and did keep her promise. The IV in her head didn't look pretty but there was a good vein there so I understood. A few minutes later Dr. Ho came in. She sat down on the couch next to me and told me all the tests that needed to be done. First was the urine test where they would stick a catheter up her to get a sample of urine to test for a bladder infection. Then they needed to take blood samples to see if she had a bacterial infection. Then they needed mucus samples done by deep suctioning to see if she had pneumonia. Lastly they would need to do a spinal tap to rule out meningitis. My mind was racing and Josh still wasn't here to hold me up. They said we needed to move to the PICU. Move? I could hardly breath. I'm glad I didn't start eating that French toast because I would have thrown it up for sure. I somehow managed to collect all my bags, put them in a wagon and followed my baby's crib as they wheeled it down the hall into the PICU. Doctor Ho then let Dr. Goodman take over. Thankfully by then Josh had walked in. We all sat down on the couch as 4 or 5 nurses surrounded Hazels crib to prep her for the spinal tap and to intibate her. At that point I didn't even know what intibate meant. I needed to pump. My chest was swelling, my hormones racing and I was a total wreck. Josh talked to Dr. Goodman and I just cried. We, Josh me and the doctor, then moved to a family counsel room at the end of the hall. I guess that was a good idea since they needed to start doing stuff on Hazel right away and having an emotional mother in the way was not a good idea. Plus I could pump in privacy. So I left my baby so the doctors could get started. Dr. Goodman was optimistic and very good at explaining things but then he needed to leave to do Hazels spinal tap. Josh tried to explain to me the procedures as I pumped and cried. The milk bottles started overflowing. Luckily Josh noticed and told me to turn the pump off! I now had milk all over the place. That's when I told Josh, "you do know that's our baby in there that you are talking about right?" he said yes and then held me as we cried together. Phew, I was so glad that it wasn't just me having these helpless feelings! My sweet husband was just trying to be strong for both of us. Somehow talking about all the medical stuff helped him hold it together. The volunteer staff from the Ronald MacDonald house down the hall from Hazel offered to let us stay in a sleep room, take a shower and fed us snacks. We were now in survival mode.

 

 

The longest night of my life

After a very long Sunday night, I was emotionally and physically exhausted. Oh, yeah I had a baby a week ago too so my body and mind were not in the most stable condition either. Thankfully my sister in law Elise noticed right away in a phone conversation that I needed help. She left work and headed straight to the hospital. She was Heaven sent for sure! Not wanting to leave my week old baby for anything, Elise went downstairs and brought up breakfast from the cafeteria for me AND my roommate. She then just let me talk and cry. Elise also brought a soft stuffed bunny for Hazel and wrote her a very sweet card. Respiratory therapists and doctors came in and out of the room that day but honestly I don't remember much. My mind was in such a fog from what had just happened the day before. I tried to sleep in 20-30 min. Intervals before being woken up by more beeping noises. Hazel just seemed to continue to struggle with breathing no matter what we did. I said goodbye to my roommate as her 2 month old baby was discharged from the hospital. Funny thing is that she lives in RSM too by robinson ranch. Maybe someday I will see her and her baby while walking around the lake. Those were the thoughts that kept me going even though my baby was so sick. The beginning of the evening was peaceful and Hazel was still nursing good, even with the oxygen prongs in her nose! The doctor had told me that day that Hazel would be fine as long as she coughed up all the mucus, responded well to the respiratory therapy and didn't spike a fever over 100.6. Ok, I thought to myself, we can do that. Then the night went on. Every time the respiratory therapists came in to give an albuteral treatment her heart rate would go up above 200 and then the monitors would beep like crazy. She would also get the shakes pretty bad and it took a while for her to calm down. Nursing helped though. So that's what I did. About every 1.5 to 2 hours I would just hold my baby and nurse her. I was exhausted. Then the night nurse told me Hazel had a fever of 100.8. I told her no that couldn't be right. She was probably just warm from me holding her or maybe a rectal temp would be more accurate, any excuse would do. I quickly tried to cool her off and even turned up the air in our room. The fever went back down to 99. We played that game of her fever going up and down all night until about 6am in the morning. Finally the nurse gave me a hug and said she was sorry but she needed to tell the doctor about the fever. I agreed. My baby was sick and needed more than her mom to help her get better. That's when things got crazy.

 

April fools day...the worst day of my life

It was a regular Sunday morning for the Proffit family. However it was General Conference weekend and so instead of going to church we drove to grandma and grandpa Proffits house in San Clemente to watch conference with them. Plus Uncle Ryan, aunt Jessica and all the cousins wanted to finally meet Hazel. I did notice Saturday night that hazel had a little cough but thought by nursing around the clock that I would be able to curb any nasty bug from taking over. I had my bulb syringe handy and worked on sucking out boogies before each feeding. Around 3pm I noticed that her breathing was becoming labored. I told josh of my concerns and he watched and listened to her carefully. Within a matter of minutes the mommy instinct kicked into high gear and I said, "josh, we need to go to the ER now!" Josh, his dad and brother gave Hazel a quick blessing and then we were off to Mission Hospital. Luckily Max and Audrey were able to hang out with cousins and family so they didn't notice much was going on. I hopped in the back of car with Hazel so I could listen to her breathing. She was struggling with each breath. Once we got to the crown valley exit, she stopped breathing. I Panicked. But for some reason I knew what to do. I ripped her out of her carseat, sucked her boogers out with my mouth since I couldn't find the bulb syringe, and then thumped her chest and back. She took a short breath! Josh raced us up the hill to the ER entrance. I ran into the packed ER with my sick baby and a thin blanket. I found someone from admitting and said, "I'm not a hypochondriac parent, I have two other kids but my baby is sick, just stopped breathing and needs help now." Thankfully she understood my urgency, hooked Hazel up to a pulse ox machine and saw that her numbers were in the low 80s and immediately got her into a room. Once admitted they got Hazel on oxygen, breathing treatments and tested her for RSV which she was positive for. They also did X-rays which showed mild brochialitis. They tried 4 different times to get in an IV in but since her veins are so small they kept collapsing. Finally they brought down someone from the NICU that was able to get an IV in! We stayed in the ER for 4 hours waiting for a room in the Peds. Meanwhile I was still able to nurse Hazel and hold her. My parents came to bring me food while Josh went to go pick up the kids at grandmas. Once we got up to Peds I noticed how busy it was! No wonder it took so long for me to get a room. In fact I had to share a room that night with another 2 month old baby girl with RSV and her mama. She was very nice and I didn't mind sharing a room but it was a little crazy. All night the monitors were beeping showing that the Oxygen levels were going down or a sensor fell off, or the girls were crying because they needed to nurse or couldn't cough up the mucus that needed to be suctioned out. At this point I thought it was the longest night of my life, but actually the next night was.

Morning snuggles and 1st bath

Hazel is such a good and mellow baby. She loves being around her big sister Audrey. On Saturday we had some girl time while Max and daddy went for a hike. Audrey and I slept in, watched cartoons, snuggled with Hazel and then gave hazel her first bath. She had so much peeling skin we thought maybe we can scrub some of it off. She loved the warm water and was my first kid to not scream during her first bath. Audrey was a great helper too.

 

My bags are packed, I'm ready to go....

On Tuesday afternoon, March 27th we left mission hospital. Before leaving, we stopped by to see our friends, Danny and Lauren Woffindens little baby girl June who was born earlier that morning. What a sweet girl June is! All Our other kids are the same age too. Audrey and Charlie go to the same preschool and Lauren and I have the same OBGYN. Needless to say, we saw a lot of each other during doctors visits over the past 9 months. While the kids were at preschool was the best time to schedule doctors appointments!

Daddy loved snuggling Hazel while we were in the hospital. His favorite thing about newborns is having them fall asleep on his chest. Glad he could re-live that passion with Hazel. We were so happy to take our healthy baby girl home to be with Max and Audrey. Finally our little family would be together.

 

My baby girl

Hazel Jane Proffit entered this world a little after 1am on March 25, 2012. She was first greeted by her mom, dad, grandma Proffit and big brother Max. She weighed 7 lbs 1 oz and was 19.5 inches long. She has darker skin then my other kids and darker hair. She has very long fingers and toes and beautiful big lips and an overbite like her daddy. She is the best nurser ever! Within a matter of minutes after being born she latched on. Max was so excited to be in the delivery room and did so well. Some of the sweet and funny things Max said while I was in labor were:

Mom you need to rest up just take a little nap and the nurse will wake you up when you are ready

If you get scared you can squeeze my hand

Mom are you having any subtractions lately?

Maybe I shouldn't be looking Cause she will come out naked. To the nurse "Did you bring any clothes?"

My heart is beating so fast cause I'm so excited

Why is your hand shaking...I'm shaking too...cause I'm so excited

That's her 1st time being on earth,

Looking at my tummy...."Now you area regular mom...you used to be a pregnant mom."

Hazel Pretty Proffit. Is that it? Well you can call her Hazel Jane but I will call her Hazel Pretty Proffit.

I think she wants more milk, I'll bet that's pretty tasty milk.

As you can tell, max was quite the entertainment in the delivery room. He was so interested in the anatomy of everything going on and had lots of great questions. Even though my epideral didn't work and my regular doctor was not able to make it to the delivery, I was so glad that Max was able to be a part of the special moment when his sister came into the world.